Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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