Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
