Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
