Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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