how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My pussy is not your playground.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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