i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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