he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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