After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
