Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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