she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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