Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize