He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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