Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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