glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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