You just made me feel so damn special
She is in my trunk
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
