Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
