This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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