so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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