True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
