break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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