If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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