I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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