At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
