Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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