I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
