Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
