Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
