come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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