i think my tv is drunk
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
