I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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