I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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