She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
