dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
