i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
