No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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