Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
