My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
