Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
