I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
