he puts the penis in happiness.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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