Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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