Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
