the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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