evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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