There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
