I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
