meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
