My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
