Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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