Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
