We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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