this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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