i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
