I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
