dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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