the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
