He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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