Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
