I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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