God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
