We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
