who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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