dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
