he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
