Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
