you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
