Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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