That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
